Monday, 7 December 2009

Best movie I've seen in ages

Just watched 500 days of Summer. The clothes the two main character wear are just beautiful and I wish EVERYONE dresses like that all the time. Although in London, you could but you'd probably end up freezing to death. For me, the movie explores how people can fall in love with someone who doesn't love them back as equally. The shock of realisation that the feelings you developed innately is not mutually reciprocated and shared. For me it questions, what is it that makes you fall in love? Is it fate or just coincidence? Well I still don't bloody know.

Now with my guy, the guy I thought I was in love with on and off for 10 years, told me last Sunday that he's getting engaged. Plus is probably getting married next year towards the month of my birthday. I loved him as much as I am capable of loving anyone, which isn't much really. But I thought I could work on it and as long as he cares, so will I. But he is more sensible than me. He didn't love me enough. The girl he is marrying, he's not in love with but is willing to make it work. Because his parents approve of her. He tells me he's "over the moon", which hurts but i don't really know how true it is. I do know though he didn't choose to make it work with me because it would have been harder work.

That movie just broke my heart again. I knew how exactly how Tom in the movie was feeling through the entire movie. Because I have felt all those things over and over again.

Watch 500 years of Summer if you have had your heart kicked and stampeded on. Watch it if you think good love only happens to others, and the love you experience always sucks and disappoints.

P.s I always secretly wished to fall in love like Summer. As the years go by, I seriously doubt that will happen!

P.s on different note, Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap which is played twice in the movie is definitely this summer's song for me :)

p.s 05100611

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Self Pity Time

I am feeling pretty angry at the moment. I am going through, what is I think, the hardest time in my life. People that I don't know really well, or just social friends have been so good to me during this time. But I have been practically abandoned by my 'best friends'. The girls I grew up with. They don't care, they showed obligatory concern, but essentially they abandoned me when I needed them them the most. These people were meant to know me more than anyone else, but they don't care.

A couple of nights ago, my sizable network of friends suddenly shrunk. Its at times like this when you know who truly is a friend. I was just proven that a lot of them have never been. I'm not always going to be around for the good times and picking up other people's shit anymore. When I needed patience, kindness and dare I say it? Sympathy. When I desperately needed these things, they couldn't be bothered, and just left me.

In less than two weeks, I am going to make some huge decisions regarding my 'friends'. I will not have the same social network I had for twenty years. I have made a conscious decision to not be their friends ever again. Its hard and scary and I miss them like crazy at the moment. But I gotta remember that they were never really my friends.

I saw a therapist a few years back and she broke the ethical code and started telling me what to do to get out of my shitty life instead of helping me to cope. I am going to see a counsellor this week because apparently i have a WHOLE lot of issues that I'm suppressing. I keep wanting to cry and I just want to stop feeling like this. Anyway, I asked for a guy counsellor - I'm hoping he'll be less 'hippy'.

My doctor gets on my nerves. He makes me fill a thousand forms for a sleeping pill - even though he knows the recent events. He won't give me anything without a lecture - even treatment for when I had acne. I just sometimes want to grab his face and scream - GIVE ME SOME ANTI DEPRESSANTS YOU FUCKKKK! But I don't because he's a senior and I have to respect the elders don't I?

As I'm writing, I think I've figured out what I want to do with this blog. I think I'm going to force myself to write positive / happy things when I feel this blue. I've started watching a lot of beauty you-tube stuff. Now video blogs are far too 'techy' for me, so I am going to attempt this blog. It will take some time to get the hang of it, but bear with me (all zero of you who will ever read this!).

I'll probably start with talking about favourite things. Beauty products, books, films blah blah. That should take my mind off negative self-destructive thoughts about and people na? Yes, thats what I shall do. I will even attempt to put pictures up of things! Hurrah! Just thinking about it is making me stop thinking about the sad things... oops, I've started thinking about it again.

Now I will publish this first post, and start looking around this blog thing to see what its all about.

Hopefully, a fun post tomorrow