Talk is good!

Back when it all happened, in between the feelings of grief etc, I was pretty angry with a lot of people, who I felt were not as supportive as I wanted them to be. To this day, I have not spoken to a whole bunch of them because I (at the moment) don't feel like I want to. Some of these people I have known for over a decades - or in one case, over twenty years).

Usually, I am not good at telling people that I am upset with them because I don't like confrontation. But since it all happened, I took some advice that I was repeatedly given for years - I calmly told the people I care for how it makes me feel when they do something to upset me. This is not to say that I walk around telling the world how they piss me off (politics is disclaimed from here, I can't talk about political beliefs without getting really passionate and worked about it. It usually ends with me shouting at the top of my lungs especially at apathetic voters or supporters of a certain party). I've figured out that its only worth telling someone how they've made you feel if you think that person will genuinely listen to you. If they are one of those people who will get pissed off by what you are trying to tell them, or really won't care, then don't bother to waste your bread. It will have to be your judgement.

I start off with telling them that I've been thinking about the situation for ages, and the reason why I am telling them is because I know they are a good person, would never intentionally hurt me and felt I needed to get this off my chest because its been bothering me for a long time. 

And its all true, most of the time, people don't know what to say, do or realise that they upset you. And if you tell them, you can give each other a hug and move on. I know that I keep things in my heart for a long time and if I don't resolve things, it eats away at the friendship I have with people. I lose trust in them and eventually move on. 

But I will only speak to those who I actually want to maintain a friendship with. I am still healing and this journey is still pretty new to me. But I have slowly started sifting those who genuinely are my friends and who I can depend on for once in my life, and it is beginning to make me feel better by having good and fun people around me. I am not there yet with the whole process, but lets see how this year goes. 

One of the most unlikely areas I have found genuine warmth and friendship in, has been at work. I never thought this would happen to me, I always thought it was sad to have a social life with colleagues, but I have made real friends for life there now (or so I hope).

My hub of friends did cut down dramatically overnight, but I am okay with this at the moment (I am one of those people that always needed someone or something around me). I'm hanging out with quality now and it has given me the incentive to learn a new skill and do something productive with my life rather than keep going out and doing stuff that results to meaningless nothing.

I write this post because I met a friend today and decided to tell her how and why she upset me. It took me six months to say anything to her, but I did and I hope she understood me. I did tell her that I still loved her and I am not angry with her anymore. She asked me why I just didn't plain out ask her. I replied that when she was in a similar position, I supported her in every way I could without questioning her. But when it was my turn, I did reach out but she bombarded me with questions it felt that she just didn't understand why I wanted her to be there. But I understood that we are all built different ways and I should stop expecting like for like. 

We gave each other a big hug when we left so I think things are okay between us. But if she doesn't get it, then I'm not going to fight for this friendship - or anybody else's anymore, I just have no will or energy for it. 

Chanel Vitalumiere Satin Smoothing Fluid Foundation

The first foundation I ever used was a Maybelline stick I used way back in university. I loved it back then but have no clue what it is called. I don't think they make that one anymore anyway. Since then, I don't think I paid much attention to foundations. I have used the Mac studio fix and the Mac one in a compact (forget the name), but boy did they clog up my skin and break me up. To be honest, I can't think of what else I've been using all these years (I have of course, dabbled in mineral foundation also). These days, I have seemed to accumulate a few now, but the one I want to talk about today is my most expensive foundation:

What is claims to do:
This fluid foundation revives tired, dull complexions. Its fluid texture, containing moisturisers*, ensures maximum comfort for the skin. Presented in a pump-action bottle, VITALUMIÈRE fluid delivers the ideal amount for a single application. Your complexion appears visibly rested, its vitality and luminosity are restored. The light texture of VITALUMIÈRE fluid gives a slightly satin finish, for a radiant, natural, youthful-looking makeup.
According to preference, apply VITALUMIÈRE fluid with a sponge, or dab over the face with the fingertips and blend lightly for a perfectly natural and even finish. Finish by powdering lightly to fix the makeup.
* Moisturises by impregnating the upper layers of the epidermis


It costs £30.65, for 30ml/1 fl.oz, and contains an spf of 15, which was what basically sold me in the end. I am currently obsessed with using anything that has spf in it. I was matched by the Selfridges lady in No. 40 Beige (Intensity 2??) The texture is a somewhat 'watery' consistency (although not as much as the Mac face & body foundation) and I have to work quite quickly with it as it sinks into my skin pretty fast. But this may be because I have dry skin.

The wierd thing is that it blends to a matt finish on my face, but half hour later, it changes and I get his 'dewey' look. Its really odd. My biggest problem is that its taken me ages to figure out how to apply this foundation. I don't want to waste the product by using a sponge, a brush makes it all streaky and I feel I use far too much if I use my fingers. In the end, the best way to deal with it is with the Mac stippling brush (which by the way I don't think is THAT great). I end up using over two pumps, a lot of which dries up at the back of my hand  before I have the chance to apply it on the brush and I do find that it takes longer to put this foundation on. Maybe I still haven't figured out the best way.

After a little while, my skin looks like its drenched with moisture, especially around my t-zones. To be honest, I don't think it lasts very long and it seems to come rub off the moment I touch my face (which is pretty embarrassing when I hand a paper to my boss with suspicious looking light brown stains) . I don't tend to powder my face throughout the day, but with this I feel like I need to or else I look too shiny. I am a bit annoyed that I spent so much on something I think is just okay. But its one of those foundations that has good ingredients in it and maybe I just haven't figured out how to use it. However, if I am going out straight after work, and reapply this foundation over the morning stuff, I have had complements on on skin. Maybe its more for an evening look, and too much for the daytime. Which is also odd because its a more of a light/sheer coverage (medium on second application).

Update: Whilst I was on holiday last week, I wore the clinique face cream which had SPF 30, and their 'cityblock' with another spf30. But I forgot to use anything for the rest of my body - so I have this healthy (albeit very) tanned body but my face the normal shade. So when I put this foundation today, my face just looked 'ghost-like' compared to the rest of my body which had a rather healthy glow! I have no idea how's I'm going to rectify this and bring my body and face to the same colour.


I really wanna like this foundation, but I just do not know what I'm doing wrong - or whether it simply does not compliment my skin. I'm going to try it with my Laura Mercier primer tomorrow to see if that makes any difference - hopefully it will make the application easier

I went away...

...and got stuck for an extra five days due to the volcanic ash. I don't understand why so many people were panicking and so desperate to get back. I worried a little at the beginning for a couple of hours and then realised I'm better off being stuck in a beautiful country with wonderful people, than the rushness and greyness of London.

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the place and my time away; the Greeks are really a bunch of the most kindest, friendliest and fun people I have met for a long time.

I saw so much culture and history, and the night life was just amazing. We did not feel scared in the slightest being two girls on their own - even when we were walking through one of the toughest streets at 4am (when we were advised not to do), we just had people being nice to us throughout the whole way.

On the last night, we decided to go to the beach and watch the sunset before we hit one of the bars for the last time....

It was truly breathtaking. Nothing beats the calmness of nature, just watching the sunset in an empty beach, or climbing to the highest point on a mountain and just screaming your lungs out with only the wind to hear you. 

I will probably send a thank you postcard to the hotel we were staying at (they were really kind to us throughout our entire time there) and the guys at a restaurant who really looked after us. Other than that, I am unlikely to stay in touch with anyone else I met, but that does not mean that I will EVER forget them. I am so grateful that my faith in people's kindess is slowly getting restored (although it almost got wiped away the minute I landed back in london). 

Having said that - the whole time I was away, I always remembered. How could I not?! I have made it a thing to let it consume me for this year, but thats okay. Doesn't matter where I'll be, it will always be in my heart.

A good friend of ours picked us up from the airport late at night and as soon as I got home, I ate my mum's curry.

The following day, we went to a Vaisakhi street parade which was a complete contrast to where were were that time 48hrs ago! I was so impressed about how organised and community spirited it all was. There was so much food being distributed and people of all ages helping each other out. I am not Sikh but I was made to feel welcome by everyone, including the leaders. At the end there was not a piece of litter in sight as the volunteers picked it up as they went along. I really hope other communities learn by this example instead of using their significant days to parade up and down in ridiculous suits and a limo, littering the entire streets as they go along. And, NO, I am not putting down communities or religions if that is what this last sentance insinuates - I have lived in a deeply embedded mixed asian community my entire life, so have seen it all and know what I am talking about. 

Oh, I just want to get away again!!!!

x

Sanctuary goodies

I really love Boots. I've realised that I can happy walk around the big store in Bond Street, spending ages browsing up and down the aisles. I also seem to completely obsessed with picking up their advantage card points even when Superdrug can sell the same products for pounds less at times. One of their marketed, 'spa' brands is called The Sanctuary. They recently had an offer where if you buy £10, you get a bunch of free goodies. So I bought The Sanctuary Spa Cleansing Facial Wash (£5.87 for 200ml). Its claims that it is "make-up dissolving, gently foaming cleansing wash that removes complexion dulling oils to leave the skin radiantly clean". I actually bought it for a morning facial cleanser as I can't imagine using anything other than the Liz Earle or Nude oil at the moment (yes, I have decided that I can get over the strong jasmine smell and am in love with it now) cleanser. It comes out like a soapy, milky form and foams up white on wet skin. It has that organic, 'spa-treatment' (hence the name I suppose!) smell.

 The smell helps give the allusion of my face being thoroughly cleansed in a clinicial way. As I mentioned, I haven't used it to remove make up yet so do not know how good it is for that. But what I do know is that after two consecutive of using it, I developed a spot on my forehead, chin area and bizzarely, by my ear. 

Since using these high-end cleansers, I had forgotten how dry my skin can get if I don't use them. I feel that it sucks out a lot of the nutrients I spend a lot of time and money to produce. I have only been using it for a couple of weeks so perhaps my skin just needs to get used to it. I'll use it every other day in the mornings when I need to give it a quick wash. However, I'll probably never purchase it again, especially if it keeps breaking me out and making my skin feels so tight. 

The other thing I brought is the Spa Essentials Body Moisture Spray (£5.49 for 250ml: This fragrant, feather light Sanctuary Spa Essentials Body Moisture Spray instantly nourishes and conditions thirsty skin.".

I really like this. The smell can be very overwhelming, but I love, love the fact that it comes in a spray and my skin just gleams all day when I put it on. Once I've finished with this, I'm going to look around for other body moisturisers in a spray. I think its such a wonderful concept.

The free gift set I got was quite generous and ideal for travel:

• pair of exfoliating gloves
• Satchet of salt scrub
• Satchet of warming charcoal heat mask (my most favourite face mask in the world - needs a seperate blog entry of its own)
• Very generous sample  of Body Wash
• Very generous sample of Bath Wash
• Small tub of body moisturiser

N.O.W2

Inspired by the wonderfully talented http://www.youtube.com/user/3TanjaJ3, I tried this out:

with these guys:

3TanjaJ3 refers it to a fading effect, I kinda really like it and its pretty easy to do (and surprisingly not much time as you don't need to wait for each polish to dry out). They also help give an illusion of longer nails. I'm going away at some point next week and think I'm going to try out a beige-brown version.

On another note, my nail art brushes came through the post. They cost less than £3 for a whopping 15 pieces and I can't wait to start using them this weekend! This is their ebay address if anyone is interested:
http://stores.shop.ebay.co.uk/EachDesk__W0QQ_armrsZ1

Green eye look

Last night, I went out for Dim Sum, Karaoke and then onto for some drinks and dancing (at a place I normally wouldn't have EVER considered walking into, but it wasn't my party). I finally remembered to use the bare minerals emerald green eye shadow I bought a little while back. This is what I used:

• Bobbi brown eyeshadow in Nude: all over lid
• Stila eyeshadow in Jade: all over lid and just above crease
• Elf eyeshadow (in an olive colour): on crease and just above 
• Bare minereals eyeshadow in Black Emerald: in corner, and used wet as an eyeliner on top and lower lid
• Mac Vanilla eyeshadow: brow highlight
• Eyelure individual lashes (three on each outer corner of eye)

Because the whole thing started in the daytime, I toned the green down a bit and then added more when we moved over in the evening for a more dramatic effect. These are the only clear pictures I could rustle up. I really need to do some research on how to take pictures of myself.

I'm really liking individual falsies at the moment. They are quite subtle and doesn't give a false effect that some strips may give.

Also, the mineral eyeshadows are not as messy to work with as I thought. I might contemplate in getting a few more soon.

I didn't know what to expect last night, but I ended up having a really lovely and fun time. Its always fun when an evening super exceeds your expectations!

Modern life is total rubbish

Since new year, I have been going out a lot because I don't want to be on my own. Truth be told, most of the time it feels empty. I am going out and meeting up with people, and it just feel empty. I am meant to go to a birthday do tomorrow. The girl kinda gets on my nerves and I don't know anyone else, but I'll probably go and spend money just so that I don't have to be alone. 

Most people I have spoken to have said 2010 is their year, but I had already mentally written this year off. And although I can't believe its already April, its all going very stagnant for me.

Also, I have very rubbish friends, noone I can rely on, who are always letting me down and can't seem to grasp the basics such as being somewhere which they had organised themselves. My cousin is probably the only one that I think really cares about me but there is so much I have to hide from her as to not shock her, so even she doesn't really know me properly. I keep thinking more and more about wanting to get out of my skin and run away from the negativity that keeps surrounding me. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have. I have my health, family (I didn't choose them), a roof over my head, enough money to eat. But I do wish I would be more than average... and I suppose the cliche, I want to mean something to someone. Also, I want to love someone that is right for me who I don't get bored with.

I accidently bumped into the guy the other night. I saw him, braved it, gave my biggest smile and a friendly hug. I started talking gibberish and he looked at me funny, and to be honest looked a bit uncomfortable standing there with me. He said he was off to say hello to a mutual friend that came along with me. I went out for a bit, and came back to my seat - the table where he ended up sitting at.

He was only staying for a quick drink before he went to meet his plumber. He stayed for a very quick drink. When he was leaving, he went around saying goodbye to everyone. When he came up behind me, I turned around leaned towards him to give him a hug. I wished him a good holiday, he laughed and kissed me on the cheek. But I swear it I felt it lingered and extra second and felt his teeth my skin! I am sure he thought he was being his usual funny self, but obviously me being me, I daydream that it may be more.

We were good friends, and I slowly started liking him more than a friend. Then one fateful night, he realised I liked him and he just didn't seem interested. But he was a gentleman and behaved normally with me whenever we hung out afterwards (I don't get to see him too often anymore). I try and act normal around him, so when we last went out to dinner and he went on about this wonderful, young new girlfriend of his, I gave him advice and smiled and nodded along at them right moments. There were very sharp stings running through me the entire time but I did really well to hide it from him.

He's not the one for me, our personalities and characteristics would clash if we were anything more than friends (he knows nothing other than having fun and walking away from anything that may bother him; I on the other hand seem to thrive on misery). But my heart does still miss a small beat when I see him, and I can't help hug him a little bit longer than is the norm. I am insanely jealous of her even though i have never met her (what is it about her that he will never see in me???)

I really appreciate that he still acts normally with me and doesn't act like a piss like asshole Hennley. I do however really want to have just that one serious conversation with him - why he didn't contact me when he knew what happened, why he hasn't yet confronted me for taking him off FB, and why he still hasn't acknowledged the existance, so many months later. One day I'll have the courage to say these things, I hope he will listen and understand - I hope he will prove me wrong and show me there is some substance in him, and he doesn't always avoid the hard things in life.

Look at how much blog space I have used up on a pathetic kiss on the cheek - I am an idiot. I gotta start falling in love with someone that actually likes me back

x