Friday, 30 April 2010

Talk is good!

Back when it all happened, in between the feelings of grief etc, I was pretty angry with a lot of people, who I felt were not as supportive as I wanted them to be. To this day, I have not spoken to a whole bunch of them because I (at the moment) don't feel like I want to. Some of these people I have known for over a decades - or in one case, over twenty years).

Usually, I am not good at telling people that I am upset with them because I don't like confrontation. But since it all happened, I took some advice that I was repeatedly given for years - I calmly told the people I care for how it makes me feel when they do something to upset me. This is not to say that I walk around telling the world how they piss me off (politics is disclaimed from here, I can't talk about political beliefs without getting really passionate and worked about it. It usually ends with me shouting at the top of my lungs especially at apathetic voters or supporters of a certain party). I've figured out that its only worth telling someone how they've made you feel if you think that person will genuinely listen to you. If they are one of those people who will get pissed off by what you are trying to tell them, or really won't care, then don't bother to waste your bread. It will have to be your judgement.

I start off with telling them that I've been thinking about the situation for ages, and the reason why I am telling them is because I know they are a good person, would never intentionally hurt me and felt I needed to get this off my chest because its been bothering me for a long time. 

And its all true, most of the time, people don't know what to say, do or realise that they upset you. And if you tell them, you can give each other a hug and move on. I know that I keep things in my heart for a long time and if I don't resolve things, it eats away at the friendship I have with people. I lose trust in them and eventually move on. 

But I will only speak to those who I actually want to maintain a friendship with. I am still healing and this journey is still pretty new to me. But I have slowly started sifting those who genuinely are my friends and who I can depend on for once in my life, and it is beginning to make me feel better by having good and fun people around me. I am not there yet with the whole process, but lets see how this year goes. 

One of the most unlikely areas I have found genuine warmth and friendship in, has been at work. I never thought this would happen to me, I always thought it was sad to have a social life with colleagues, but I have made real friends for life there now (or so I hope).

My hub of friends did cut down dramatically overnight, but I am okay with this at the moment (I am one of those people that always needed someone or something around me). I'm hanging out with quality now and it has given me the incentive to learn a new skill and do something productive with my life rather than keep going out and doing stuff that results to meaningless nothing.

I write this post because I met a friend today and decided to tell her how and why she upset me. It took me six months to say anything to her, but I did and I hope she understood me. I did tell her that I still loved her and I am not angry with her anymore. She asked me why I just didn't plain out ask her. I replied that when she was in a similar position, I supported her in every way I could without questioning her. But when it was my turn, I did reach out but she bombarded me with questions it felt that she just didn't understand why I wanted her to be there. But I understood that we are all built different ways and I should stop expecting like for like. 

We gave each other a big hug when we left so I think things are okay between us. But if she doesn't get it, then I'm not going to fight for this friendship - or anybody else's anymore, I just have no will or energy for it. 

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