Saturday, 3 April 2010

Modern life is total rubbish

Since new year, I have been going out a lot because I don't want to be on my own. Truth be told, most of the time it feels empty. I am going out and meeting up with people, and it just feel empty. I am meant to go to a birthday do tomorrow. The girl kinda gets on my nerves and I don't know anyone else, but I'll probably go and spend money just so that I don't have to be alone. 

Most people I have spoken to have said 2010 is their year, but I had already mentally written this year off. And although I can't believe its already April, its all going very stagnant for me.

Also, I have very rubbish friends, noone I can rely on, who are always letting me down and can't seem to grasp the basics such as being somewhere which they had organised themselves. My cousin is probably the only one that I think really cares about me but there is so much I have to hide from her as to not shock her, so even she doesn't really know me properly. I keep thinking more and more about wanting to get out of my skin and run away from the negativity that keeps surrounding me. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have. I have my health, family (I didn't choose them), a roof over my head, enough money to eat. But I do wish I would be more than average... and I suppose the cliche, I want to mean something to someone. Also, I want to love someone that is right for me who I don't get bored with.

I accidently bumped into the guy the other night. I saw him, braved it, gave my biggest smile and a friendly hug. I started talking gibberish and he looked at me funny, and to be honest looked a bit uncomfortable standing there with me. He said he was off to say hello to a mutual friend that came along with me. I went out for a bit, and came back to my seat - the table where he ended up sitting at.

He was only staying for a quick drink before he went to meet his plumber. He stayed for a very quick drink. When he was leaving, he went around saying goodbye to everyone. When he came up behind me, I turned around leaned towards him to give him a hug. I wished him a good holiday, he laughed and kissed me on the cheek. But I swear it I felt it lingered and extra second and felt his teeth my skin! I am sure he thought he was being his usual funny self, but obviously me being me, I daydream that it may be more.

We were good friends, and I slowly started liking him more than a friend. Then one fateful night, he realised I liked him and he just didn't seem interested. But he was a gentleman and behaved normally with me whenever we hung out afterwards (I don't get to see him too often anymore). I try and act normal around him, so when we last went out to dinner and he went on about this wonderful, young new girlfriend of his, I gave him advice and smiled and nodded along at them right moments. There were very sharp stings running through me the entire time but I did really well to hide it from him.

He's not the one for me, our personalities and characteristics would clash if we were anything more than friends (he knows nothing other than having fun and walking away from anything that may bother him; I on the other hand seem to thrive on misery). But my heart does still miss a small beat when I see him, and I can't help hug him a little bit longer than is the norm. I am insanely jealous of her even though i have never met her (what is it about her that he will never see in me???)

I really appreciate that he still acts normally with me and doesn't act like a piss like asshole Hennley. I do however really want to have just that one serious conversation with him - why he didn't contact me when he knew what happened, why he hasn't yet confronted me for taking him off FB, and why he still hasn't acknowledged the existance, so many months later. One day I'll have the courage to say these things, I hope he will listen and understand - I hope he will prove me wrong and show me there is some substance in him, and he doesn't always avoid the hard things in life.

Look at how much blog space I have used up on a pathetic kiss on the cheek - I am an idiot. I gotta start falling in love with someone that actually likes me back


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