Wednesday, 10 March 2010

No more safety blanket

So, life is pretty rubbish at the moment. I've always been one of those emotional type gals with extreme highs and extreme lows. It just at the moment, I feel to be stuck in a rut on the lows and cannot shake myself out of it.

My ex who I thought I was in love with for all those years, got married on Sunday. For a long time, I really believed that if I believed hard enough, he would realise I am the one for him. But he isn't emotional and sentimental. He thought with his head and got married to the girl his parents found for him. He realised much earlier than I did that we fell out of love ages ago. Over the years, every now and then someone would come along and I'd be happy, but he always creep back into my thoughts. His outlook in life is far more conservative and hypocritical than mine. But I just held onto some hope that I wasn't wasting my time and that it will all be alright in the end. I wasted 10 bloody years with this sense of delusion. Whereas all this time, he had his ego massaged because someone was pining for him. Now he's married to someone younger than me, who will probably only know me as some girl he dated years ago, who is still in love with him. I don't think we will ever lose in touch completely because I am grateful for how he supported me last year. But for now, I have chosen not to respond to his messages as it's not fair on his new wife, or me. Maybe I'll send him a quick note in a few months to congratulate him. Somebody once said I have characteristics of subjugation where I always worry how other people feelings are affected before my own. So I suppose I shouldn't contact him if it means it pains me inside, just because it's the 'mature thing' to do. I am less selfish than him, he hurts people on purpose so why does he get to be happier than me? I know he never was the one for me, but I can't help but think: his wife is not me. Why wasn't I good enough for him and his family? He used to say that I'm too independent and liberal - like it's an awful thing. Well he got the submissive wife he always wanted.  Despite what happened between us, of course I still want him to be happy. I just want to be happy as well.

Last night, I met up with one of my most favourite people in the world. I'm always excited when I know I'm meeting him. He always makes me happy. We caught up, he talked a lot about his new girlfriend a lot who he seems to be really into. I gave him advice about nice things to do for her. It was a good night. When we said our goodbyes, I got this horrid sinking feeling in my stomach. What if I'm in love with him? I've been a wreck all day today asking myself this question. This coupled with the huge feeling of guilt over J - that I subconciously tried to substitute J with this friend of mine for the last two years. Back then, he was a light release for J. This friend of mine knows what happened, but he never contacted me. Even last night, he didn't say anything. I gave him another opportunity today over an email, and again, he was his usual jolly self. 

At the time I was really angry with him. I resented how he never lets anything affect him, he never takes on anyone else's problems and is purely concerned with having fun. But poor love, he probably didn't even realise what he had done. I've been angry with so many people for so long. And out of all the people I have been angry with, I missed him the most. So I tried to not be angry anymore, and I wasn't but ended up pretty depressed instead. 

He liked me one time, but as usual, I didn't pick up the signs until it was too late. I can never tell him how I feel because it will never be reciprocated. Now is not the time, he doesn't feel for me at all. I cannot believe the wreck I've been today over my friend - what if I am in love with him. Please don't let me be, I don't think I can survive and another heartbreak. .

Again, I wonder, why am I not good enough for him? Am I good enough for anyone? I don't have my comfort blanket anymore. For the first time in a long time, I am now truly by myself for the first time and it sucks and feels so scary.  

They have left my life now. 

No comments:

Post a Comment