As I was walking up the stairs of the tube station this evening, I was surrounded by people rushing to get home - the music I was listening to on my ipod suddenly engulfed me and I felt completely disconnected from my entire surroundings. It took all my might not to burst out crying. I always tend to listen to music whenever I'm on the tube or going somewhere by myself. I can't hear what is going on around me and end up in my little bubble. The few times I have left my ipod at home, I feel very exposed and don't know where to look.
In my culture, its not encouraged to grieve over the dead - they are meant to have gone to a better place and it may stop them from being content in that new place if we hold them back with our tears. When my mum's dad died, she was by his side. She grieved at his funeral and when she came back, I did not see her shed a tear. I only saw my dad cry once when his mum died (I wish I never see my dad like that ever again, it was such a painful sight). But me, I can't stop grieving. I don't think about it for a few days and then something happens and the pain comes back. Like today, this morning we were going over the funny stories of the Friday night, got on with my work, and partially succeeded in not getting offended by my boss. Then I see a small snippet in the news. Then I start feeling guilty about trying not to think about it, upset that people will only remember exaggerated negative things, and worse still, me forgetting the wonderful person I was lucky enough to have in my life.
I don't feel a part of anything anymore because I've lost the only thing that made me feel okay for not being normal. I keep doubting myself - what if I'm just never meant to fit in society as well? I'll carry on being cheery and friendly for as long as I can, but I believe that I am destined to be unhappy and lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. I was away for a couple of weeks recently and was surrounded by people - day and night - that showed nothing but kindness and love to me. Yet I couldn't feel close to anyone. I smiled and joked with emptiness, and my soul was out of my body the whole time.