A girl at work told me the other day that I can't save everybody. It was one of those statements that I will remember for life. But I do feel useless. I think I am incapable of being loved and loving rationally. I find that sooner or later, any man I am remotely interested in, finds me annoying and repulsive. The only person who loved me unconditionally was too overcome with sadness, so he left. I keep having this feeling of worthlessness and helplessness. I've been meaning to do something about it.
This year is a complete write-off about trying to make me happy. Instead, I am trying to occupy my mind with things so I don't have to think. Train journeys are the hardest because I am left with my own thoughts. I should take a book with me to rectify this problem. There's no point of me being happy, because I end up feeling terrible and guilty for days afterwards. Having said that, I love the of staying in my maxi the entire weekend, doing nothing but play silly computer games. He used to do that.
So... I've signed up to volunteer at the Samaritans. I gave my contact details online over the weekend and received a letter to say someone will be contacting me talk me through the process. I don't know if its for me yet, but I might as well see what it is about. There is no need for previous experience - they put you on a 6/8 training. If I decide to do it, I will make sure I keep a record of the journey. It might help some, it might not, I dunno. I will make me feel slightly worthwhile.
Anyway, let hope I stick this one out!